It wasn’t until earlier this year that I dropped the schtick that I am a painter, first and foremost. Now, I subscribe to the titles of writer, tattoo artist, arts worker first. Also, I am an artist.
In the past couple of years, I would enter openings, parties and exhibitions jokingly saying, “I’m a painter that doesn’t paint”. I have visions of painting that I will never realize. And perhaps, I don’t want to realize it.
When I was getting sober last summer, I pushed myself harder to have a painting practice. I thought, this would be an opportunity for me to put my mind where it really matters. I am going to be an Art Star and a gallerist. My dad asked me what my plans were for graduate school, and I was annoyed. I was annoyed because I wanted to do everything besides, and including the fine arts.
So I did, I forced myself to go to the studio whenever possible, and shamed myself when I didn’t. My therapist went as far as to tell me to drive around the studio building, you don’t need to make any work, just go and see how you feel. And even then, I didn’t want to do that. I didn’t want to paint. I don’t have a strong desire to paint. I don’t want to go there. I’d often take photos where I think to myself, this would be a great painting. Then I put it to rest. Because someday, I’d like to paint it, under the condition that it will not be commercialized, and represented by people who do not care for me.
I don’t know the exact moment that I was able to release myself from the shackles of self doubt. It is a slow burning process that arrived here.
When I finally let go of the title of Painter, I finally saw myself more clearly. I am an academic. I am a writer. And I like making art. Those things can exist in conjunction, without a primary painting practice. And I’m free!
I was so set on being one thing that I might’ve lost all of it.
Now, I have it all. Everything.
shari wei 